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DRINKS WITH AN OLD GIRLFRIEND!
A sketch By
Ross E F Lombardi
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Scene:
A cold wet Winter.
In a UK pub on the north of England Coast, either in or near
Redcar By Sea.
11 am opening time on a Tuesday.
A dishevelled and clearly defeated middle aged man meets an
old flame for drinks.
She is dressed, all vamped up, as if she is going out on a Saturday night out
at an expensive night club, despite it being in the middle of the day and mid-week.
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“I’m so glad you met me for drinks”
“I have so much to tell you”
“But you go first”
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Middle Aged Man:
“I’m sure you are…”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Go on,”
“You get the first few rounds of double shots in,”
“While we chat and catch up!”
.
Middle Aged Man:
“Yeah”
“Well it’s been a while”
“And we do go back a bit so…”
.
Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Well I’m busting to tell you mine!”
“But As I said, you go first”
“So tell me!”
“Did you go on holiday this year”
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Middle Aged Man:
“How nice of you….”
“Yeh, well,”
“Nothing major”
“Just Manchester”
“Saw some bands”
“Took some drugs”
“Did a retro rave”
“Pretended I was 18 again and living in the 90s”
“Regrated it for days afterwards”
“Because clearly, I am not 18 anymore!”
“It was ok”
.
Old Ex Girlfriend:
“What did you do this weekend?”
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Middle Aged Man:
“I saw a cool movie in 3D At the Imax”
.
Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Well,”
“I am not trying brag”
.
Middle Aged Man:
“Which means you are going to outright brag”
“Shit, I should have bloody well known…”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Anyway”
“I got to visit Austin., Texas”
“A real American desert!”
“For Fee!”
“I was with some VIPS”
“They picked me up!”
“And I got to see a super special private screening”
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Middle Aged Man:
“So,”
“Of course you got to go on a holiday, better than mine,”
“Cheaper than Mine”
“And saw a film better than mine”
“With people who seem cooler than me and my friends”
“I should have guessed”
.
Old Ex Girlfriend:
“I Know!”
“Right”
“Lucky me!”
“It was the special edition 137-hour directors cut of ‘g0d’,
in the original black and white, but in a 5-Dd cinema”
.
Middle Aged Man:
“5Dd?”
.
Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Yes,“
“It is like your 4D, thing,”
“but obviously Up one notch and So a bit better”
.
Middle Aged Man:
“Errrr? Ok”
“Never heard of that one”
“Who is it by?”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“It’s an early art film from 1887”
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Middle Aged Man:
“But the first film was not until 1888 and was only 20
seconds long?”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Shows how little you know”
“You’re not connected in the industry like I am”
.
Middle Aged Man:
“Ok,”
“So How did this come about”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“I met these locals who had a weird van”
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Middle Aged Man:
“Well a weird van is not usually a good sign”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“And we got talking and they had this health drink”
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Middle Aged Man:
“Health drink?”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Yeh, it has Oats in it and spiky desert plants”
“… and maybe Urine!”
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Middle Aged Man:
“What the fu….”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Don’t be like that!”
“Thats racist!”
“They were locals!”
“It was cultural!”
“Your just not as sophisticated as I am”
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Middle Aged Man:
“Sorry,”
“My Bad, Please continue…”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Don’t worry about it”
“I’ll let you off…”
“…Anyway before seeing the film in 5Dd, as I said”
“They passed out this ‘Pee and Oaty’ catus juice”
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Middle Aged Man:
“Wait, - ‘Pee-Oaty’ Catus Juice?”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Yeh it’s a local health drink, like I said”
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Middle Aged Man:
“Hang on?”
“How did you know these people were locals?”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Well they didn’t look European! Did they! Stupid!”
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Middle Aged Man:
“Oh!”
“Obviously, ok”
“Silly me,”
.
Old Ex Girlfriend:
“No instead of white European skin they had a different
colour”
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Middle Aged Man:
“Ok,”
“Fair enough”
.
Old Ex Girlfriend:
“It was a sort of ethnic pale grey”
“And they all looked very similar”
“They were all very short with big black eyes”
“And long dangling limbs”
“And they must have been absolutely loaded”
“I mean as rich, as all dam!”
“Because their van was totally custom tricked out!”
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Middle Aged Man:
“Was it fast?”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Very!”
“And it could fly!”
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Middle Aged Man:
“Fly?”
“Really?”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Well if they can afford a special cut of the film ‘g0d’
and had a 5Dd viewing room”
“ Then obviously”
“They can afford a flying van that was custom cool saucer
shaped!”
“Not everyone is as dull as you are!”
.
Middle Aged Man:
“Van shaped like a saucer>”
“Wait….”
“Let’s back track a little”
“Where were you again?”
.
Old Ex Girlfriend:
“I told you in Ausitn Texas in the desert!”
“Some sacred ground, in the middle of nowhere, Near the town
of Alpaca-Lips”
“But their van was super cool and super-fast,”
“So they picked me up on the moors near a small North-East
English village called Lingdale,”
“Then then took me to Austin Texas, because that was where
the health drinks were!”
“It just took minutes to get there!”
“Try to keep up!”
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Middle Aged Man:
“So much faster than Concorde used to be?”
“Ok…”
“And why did you get in their weird custom job saucer
shaped ‘Van’?”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“I won a competition!”
“One I did not even enter!”
“I was just extremely lucky,”
“There was a sorta lottery and I won!”
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Middle Aged Man:
“A lottery?”
“- And the prize was this trip?”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Well yes”
“They said I had been selected at random out of all the people
in the word to see “g0d” and that I was very super lucky”
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Middle Aged Man:
“And the ‘Pee Oaty’ Health drink?”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Well you have to drink that to see the film!”
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Middle Aged Man:
“The special film called ‘g0d’?!”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Yep!”
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Middle Aged Man:
“So what was ‘g0d’?!
like?”
“Was it any good??”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Not really…”
“Amazing special 5Dd effects… Obviously…”
“But still, Dull!”
“Black and white”
“Very long”
“I phased out,
“During the long ‘meaning of life’ – You are to bare the nine
seals to be broken, stuff”
“Yeh know,”
“Boring – like you are!”
“But when you hang out with super rich people you put up with
that kind of shit!”
“Ye know?”
“Because of all the money!”
“And Free shit you can score!”
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Middle Aged Man:
“…Lucky…”
<shrug>
.
Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Yes!”
“Thats how lucky I was!”
“Isn’t that unbelievable”
.
Middle Aged Man:
“Yes, VERY!”
“-‘Unbelievable; is exactly how I would describe it”
“Well,”
“Dam random luck, I guess!”
“You might have
been lucky”
“But!”
“I don’t think they were!”
.
Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Ahhh”
“Thank you”
“That’s what they said about it!”
“Thay said stuff about dumb random luck!”
“I think ‘Dumb Luck” was a nickname for a friend of theirs”
“Although not for much longer!”
“They seemed really pissed off with them!”
.
Middle Aged Man:
“I guess they felt someone like you
“Getting to see ‘g0d’ (uncut) out of everyone in the
entire world,
“Seemed really unlikely to happen…”
“…and maybe more than just a little unfair, to other people,”
“…All those other People - Who are Not You!”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“WOW!”
“Your Just So sweet to say that!”
“See,”
“You can be nice”
“When you want to be!”
.
Middle Aged Man:
“Ok”
“If you say so,”
.
Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Anyway after a load of butt sex with those VIPS”
“With glowing science probey sticks”
“I am now pregnant again!”
“This time there are nine of e’m in there!”
“So, I get to be on the telly!”
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Middle Aged Man:
“Oh”
“Goody, Goody gum drops for you!”
.
Old Ex Girlfriend:
“So,”
“I wondered if you were worth getting back together with,
yet”
“Or if you are still poor and boring”
“I might give you a chance,”
“Until something better happens”
“If you get me enough drinks tonight!”
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Middle Aged Man:
“How lonely do you think I am?”
“Just because I am a bloke?!”
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Old Ex Girlfriend:
“Very”
“And remember I’m pregnant with nine kids!”
“So, I am drinking for eleven now!”
“So blow the cobwebs off your wallet - you tight git”
“And get some more drinks in!”
.
<pause>
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Middle Aged Man:
“Bugger”
<deep defeated sigh>
“All right then,”
“What are you drinking”
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