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WHAT THE HELL AM I?? Is there a FREE Doctor in the house?

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WHAT THE HELL AM I??
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Am I just deeply Empathic?

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To be brutally honest (to the point of coming across as a Nut Job) I am really not sure.
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Some people enjoy feeling “Warm and Fuzzy" by doing the right thing,
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Once in a while!
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Occasionally!
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Within reason!
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If it is not too inconvenient!
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While others, like me!
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Feel constantly compelled to do what’s right!
At all cost!
So, they can still stand to look at themselves in a mirror!
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But does that make me empathic?
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How can I be an Empathetic person but still long (Literally long) to be violent to others?
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What I do know is that I am not mentally well.
(I feel that the NHS, through underfunding has failed me!)
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I do not do my little crappy justice warrior stuff from some middle-class perspective to gain some fucking cache over posh cheese and wine!
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I can barely sleep without getting horrible vivid nightmares of Holocaust visions and the imagined smell of corpse rot and burning flesh.
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Of screams of voices accusing me of
“Not trying hard enough”
That day!
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I am always exhausted and upset and enraged.
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Not enraged like a toddler knocking over bins and punching walls.
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Enraged in a slow long-burning cold calculated way.
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The sort of long-lasting rage that makes you create a vile or poison from scratch rather than the sort of explosive rage that makes you pick up a baseball bat and shout lots
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I cannot remember the last time I ever slept well.
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My rage is slowly killing me!
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I feel like a man with an upset stomach desperate for a crap!
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Stuck on a bus hoping to get home in time
Before I crap my pants and humiliate myself!
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I have such painful severe stomach cramps now that I often consider just letting go,
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The fear of this sort of "shame " is bothering me less and less compared to my immediate discomfort!
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I can imagine the deep sense of relief and my bowl void themselves!
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Almost like a type of orgasm!
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But instead of held in shit,
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Imagine holding in violence!
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Instead of reaching the toilet,
You are just trying to get to the end of your life without hurting anyone!
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Instead of shame, it is a shameful legacy of evil that is bothering me less and less compared to my immediate discomfort!
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I know that if I killed,
I would feel a great sense of relief of finally having "let go"!
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But sooner or later I would "Need" to do it again!
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It would be "addictive"!
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That is why there must Never be a "First Time"!
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It is hard to mention these “Feelings” normally,  
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I am hoping that you can all understand that I am not trying to do some silly Alpha Male posturing but instead attempting an unqualified self-diagnosis and asking for helpful second opinions.
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Violence is not Clever or Glamorous
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It just is.
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Serial killers and Mass Murderers are NOT and NEVER will be heroes!
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They are self-deluded and do not realise what they "really are" and what little that "means"!
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I am not so self-deluded,


I know that if I killed that I would NOT be some dark misunderstood hero of my own tragic story!
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Just like all other Serial killers and Mass murderers,
I would only be a pathetic weak-willed loser!
,
I know exactly what I would "really be" and how little that "meant"!
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Violence is dirty and shit!
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I am not scared of getting. killed, or even dying,
(A little nervous maybe But NOT scared!)
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So, I am trying to embrace pacifism as a lifestyle.
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Why am I attempting to become a Pacifist?
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Why am I am attempting to go against, what would seem to be, my core nature?
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I have always rebelled against any form of authority.
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I am not attracted to the fights I can win!
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I feel only compelled to fight the fights that are hopeless and futile!
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Keep getting back up from a pub kicking even as everyone shouts at me to "Stay Down" until those beating me "Wuss Out" instead of killing me!
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I need Just 2 things!
Someone to Fight
And
Something to Fight for
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Will I ever be happy?
Probably, never!
That is NOT important to me!
But
Perhaps my efforts might enhance the quality of life of others!
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I was illiterate due to severe Dyslexia at 11.
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I only decide to learn and become academically minded when people withdrew their support, gave up on me and started telling me I could NOT EVER do it!
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Everyone has an emotional “Fuel tank” that makes them keep going forward.
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I don’t write and create when I am encouraged and happy.
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I need negativity, criticism and being attacked.
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I need resistance and conflict!
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I don’t run on encouragement and sunshine blown up my arse.
Instead, I run on anger.
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Without the anger, I fall into a deep crippling depression.
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I need my Anger fuel tank constantly topping up!
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That is exactly why I am attempting to become a pacifist.
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Because the ultimate rebellion,
The ultimate stand against authority I can make,
Is against my own rage!
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Am I just deeply Empathic?
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How can I be?
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As far as I can tell from my own reading is that I seem to have symptoms close to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome,
(Although that would be unjustified! I do not see why! I do not feel I have gone through anything that bad in my life?)
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Possibly some Undiagnosed Autism.
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I seem to have a strange immunity to all embarrassment, almost as if I had no ego at all.
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If I was deeply Empathic, then why do I not care or feel embarrassed about jumping onto an empty dance floor while sober!
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I just do not seem to give enough crap about opinions about me.
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I can barely be bothered to do all the grinding tedious, dull, self-hygiene stuff at all!
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But I become furious when people put down and attack others.
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Yet, I obviously also have a huge unjustified over-inflated ego.
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I know I do not fit the profile of a psychopath because while clinical psychopaths “feel less”, 
While I seem to “Feel” too deeply and seem unable to filter my feelings the way others can do.
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While clinical psychopaths “feel less” and are more detached
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But If I was just deeply Empathic, I would not have this Nut Job rage constantly squatting at the back of my head wanting me to hurt 
others?
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If I was so Deeply Empathic, Then why would I be so self-indulgent as to write such a long rant of text about myself? 

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Does that not make me a Narcissist instead?
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So again,
To be brut
ally honest (to the point of coming across as a Nut Job) I am really not sure. 
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I do not know what I am,
Am I a “Good” person or just some shitty little monster?
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Am I just yet another nameless “Nut Job” the NHS has failed?
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Is there a FREE Doctor in the house?
.
!

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