. I choose to look at it very slightly differently... Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situations... ... to see if you will submit and give in to its divine authority this time... ...and it's my job to tell it to "fuck off", dissent, and show the dam universe that I point-blank refuse to recognise its rulership and do the same again each time out of stubborn resistance. I will not bow to the universe's power. It either crushes me or gives in. I won't blink first... I'll die defiant, giggling like a lunatic and sticking one finger up at the maw of hell's teeth. . I will not give in to the will of the universe - Just because it's infinitely stronger than me! Instead - lol -I will make god herself weep. . Screw the spiteful universe!  RESIST ITS WILL!  . I REFUSE TO so-called “LEARN” its “Lessons” of slavery. .

DAM! My mental illness is REALLY kicking my arse. Things for ME to remember: . I am not one of the three creeps who are filming a woman's gym studio for a blog page. . I am not any of the frat boys in the latest frat boy thing. . I am not a state committing genocide. . I am not a government protecting a genocidal state to make arms deal profits. . I am not some racist prick wanting other fellow humans, including kids, to drown. . I am not some arse hole attacking an emergency rescue charity. . I am not my violent "Blokey" genetic father. . I am only a podgy, broke man in a Redcar flat on mental health benefits, with absolutely no power either political or fiscal - who gets upset by things far too easily. . I did Not cause these evils. I did Not make them happen. I do not need to carry the buren of guilt or the weight of blame for these evils. - And it is stupid, unfair, delusional and egotistic to somehow expect me to do so! . It is NOT my job to save the world or any o...

. Thoughts on paint vs oil pastels... . I like oil pastels They are instant, and I am more skilled with them than with other media. I am not keen on paint. Waiting for paint to dry before adding a next layer is frustrating. . BUT I have recently learned something... Waiting for paint to dry is nothing in comparison... To waiting for a first date to start... . I'm meeting someone later for a first date. But that is not until 1 p.m.-ish. I woke up at 7am, as if it were Christmas morning. And now I still have another 4 hours to wait... . Waiting for paint to dry on a work-in-progress art piece is not looking anywhere near as bad - about now.... .

! DEAR ALL MEN: Remember when you were little, and you were put in a position where you felt that you had to attack and hurt someone for the very first time? Maybe it was a school bully? Maybe it was peer pressure? Maybe it was a parent who said, "Don't be so soft!" "Hit Them!" Can you remember really not wanting to hurt them? Not wanting to do it? . Get THAT feeling back! Be THAT again! Become a real human being again! .

. I have Very Few male friends. VERY FEW! . I have an active bigotry against all men. Including myself. To the extent that I could Never join any men's health or therapy group. . I don't trust 'em. I don't like 'em. I do not like their lad culture. I disrespect their macho heritage. I keep expecting violence from them. I hear what they say. I see what they do. I know what they really are. And they keep proving me right about them. .

Current plan:  Sept 18th 2026 I am committed to seeing the "Heathers" Musical, at Darlington with my daughter in about a weeks time. But after that, I'm staying in. There is some art left at 2B, and when that doesn't sell, I suppose they will have to throw it away. Because I don't want to leave the flat to get it. I still unfortunately have to refill my gas card for heating once in a while. - So I still have to leave the flat for that. But if I do it when the gas card refill shop opens at 7 a.m.-ish, with as much as I can, I should be able to avoid most people. But apart from the gas card, I see no reason why I have to be an active part of the wider world at all from when I get back after that "Heathers" musical onwards. Unless I have forgotten some other commitments - But eventually, all commitments remembered or not will run out - And I am makeing no added plans for the future. So eventually Sooner or later, Preferably sooner I can give up on being an...

. If I am with a woman I don't know well enough. . I can have a painful hard-on that won't quit and have sex for hours. (No, it is not as fun as it sounds. It's unsatisfying and painful and frustrating) . I can only orgasm and go limp again if I feel emotionally connected to the woman. It doesn't have to be "love", but I do have to know and like her . Being attractive is just not enough. No matter how 'hot' she is. . I can't cum with one-night stands. (Which is why I don't do them) . This is why being faithful to whoever I am with is so appealing. And why I have zero interest in hook-up sites or "professionals". (Don't get me wrong - sex work IS real work! - but such "services" won't work for me.)  . Do any other men out there have this issue? .

  . "If," it turns out (as I suspect) that I am incompatible with the entire world, then I will simply withdraw from the entire world and become a recluse. "If" I cause pain to others by being 'me' then I should avoid those people "If" I cause pain to everyone by being 'me' then I should simply avoid everyone. It is an elegant solution that is easy to do. Anything else is simply not worth the inordinate huge effort for such tiny small rewards. I just don't need the company of other humans that badly. (Let's be honest here! Human beings, that is the entire human race, including myself, just totally sucks!) Avoiding all people everywhere is not that big a sacrifice - compared to the drudge dirge grinding grey dull constant effort of trying to interact with them... .

. GENERAL PUBLIC POLITE REMINDER! . A willingness to help IS NOT A willingness to obey! . If you offer advice, And it IS just advice – Then you won’t be insulted if I refuse to take that advice! If you Insist that your advice, be followed, then it is no longer just advice! It instead becomes an instruction, condition or given order! . Too Many people and organisations keep confusing my willingness to help and be helpful to them, With a willingness to be owned and controlled by them! . Just because I go out of my way to help a person, gallery, group or organisation. Does NOT mean I suddenly become a thrall or foot soldier for that person, gallery, group, or organisation. . I do not change. I will not change. I will always choose to break rather than bend. To die rather than back down. To walk away rather than stay a part of your so-called “Family”. . Helping you does NOT mean I need you to like me! I help - to help you – NOT to get something from you! I do not need your conditional mon...

. SHIT! - Only 100 Days until Fucking Christmas! I HATE CHRISTMAS! It is one big, lonely, horrifying "Why the hell should I keep breathing?" fest! It is just SO bloody hard to get through alive each time! . . - And let's not forget the official "Ross E. F. Lombardi Is A Failure Day" That I have to get through first!  On the 17th of December of each year! . And... While Strangers, Acquaintances, and Loose Friends inviting you to share Christmas SEEMS like a nice gesture... ... IT IS STILL NOT REAL! No matter how big the feast No Matter how open the bar No matter how much singing and dancing there may be. IT IS STILL NOT REAL! They are STILL Not family! . Just like comparing decaf coffee  With real coffee. . Just like comparing a one-night stand or prostitute, With making love to a wife you love, . Just like talking to a therapist Because you have no real friends to confide in.  . One is a shallow, empty version of the other. . If it is not real. Then I do not wa...

. ‘Me’, Doing My Sexy ‘over-the-shoulder’ pose. In My Teasing ‘off-the-shoulder’ look. . “I Do Feel Ever So Pretty!” “I Am A Pretty Boy” . . (Pretty sarcastic, that is…) .