. This is a real stream of consciousness. Of me “talking myself down” in real time. As part of its brutal honesty I have not corrected any spellings or grammar in it. I choose to share it now because I feel it might help others. . In terms of certain writing sites, I have chosen the ‘Poetry Category’ Simple because that’s the nearest thing I can think of that something like this will fit into. . - . Another 4am waking up with bad dreams. . Another 4am feeling shaken and trying not to let those bad dreams make me hate my own gender to an irrational almost homicidal extent for the next few hours, . Probably not a good idea to doomscrole Facebook and see all the "men being evil" posts that confirm those dream driven prejudices. . I need to survive these moments and somehow Not become a psychopathic nut job and Not psychologicaly go down the mental health tubes. . Not rant weird shit that worries good people. . Maybe try and access some counter points of men not being monsters an...

Ten Questions By Ross e f Lombardi ? Who am I dieting for? ? Who am I exercising for? ? Who am losing weight for? ? Who am I brushing my teeth for? ? Who am I trying to look less ugly for? ? Who should I bother queuing for a medical check up, for? ? If it is not for me? Not for myself? Because I don't like 'that person'! The person I am stuck as! So then who? And Why? ?

. MEN WHO ARE JUST OLD CHILDREN. BY Ross E F Lombardi . There is nothing sader than a "notch on the bedpost" man Limping from one ego fix to to another, Like a crack addict begging for a quid . To them women are conquests, prizes, sport, trophy's, instead of human beings. Allways wanting to steal another man's toy. . No amount of fucks will ever really satisfy them. They will never really know true happiness They will always be running towards the next thing. Always getting used and always useing others. . They can say all the sweetest right words. The most beautiful poetry and have the most smouldering gaze But they will never really FEEL. . These are Not the sort of men that would stay with a terminaly ill wife till the end and find it hard to move on. . These are the sort of men that are unfaithful just because their wife's body changes a bit. . They care more about how the woman on their arm looks to their freinds and ex's Instead of how he feels about her...

. Them: "You need to..." . Me: "You can just stop your trite weak arse dime store guru shit right there!" "Because IF ‘You’ were stuck being anything like ‘Me’," “And failed as much as ‘I’ have,” "Then ‘You’ wouldn’t like ‘Your’ crappy ‘Self’ either" “So,” “Fuck Off!” .

. My ban from certain local REDCAR venue's. . There are places that I can't go. (Shrug) I'm banned from those venues. . The Tees Valley Arts Palace hub . The Gypsy Rover . The other yellow corner one on station road that I can't remember the name of at the moment. . Probably the Pig 'N Whistle (although I haven't actually checked) . And that geek store, also on station road. . If you want to know why, then ask someone there. I'm proud of my actions. I have nothing to be ashamed of. It just is - what it is. That's all. . I back down for nobody. Not to a thug wielding a metal weapon, not to the crown (I am not patriotic) not to god wielding hell, and not to a thug wielding access to their venue. . Sure it hurts. But all anger helps keep the dangerous depression at bay. . Anger is the all natural, less side effects, self meditation that keeps me alive. Without any pain to keep me going, I'd be dead. . Without the pain I'd have nothing to paint wit...

. "I would never date an ex-porn star" he says, . Well Before I was married I was a unpleasant person who enjoyed hurting people Now I try to refuse to harm anyone My past self now disgusts me People have pasts People change Life is short You are far from perfect yourself So, If you fall in love with someone and you find out they were once a sex worker Or a were once a brutal gangland thug Man-up or woman-up - and Get over it . Ok Maybe NOT if they were once a USA ICE Agent Because some shit is still fucking unforgivable! .

Is no one interested in the personality inside anymore? Age, up, down or sideways is not an entire adult person. Their past, good, bad or dull, - porn star, nun or accountant, Is Not an entire person. “Looks” Are not an entire person. - No matter “hot” someone at first is… …After the first three months you kinda stop noticing as much and the important things like shared values, interest and matching energies take over. …After the first three years you can start adding shared memories to that mix. …Eventually the amount quality time spent together should be all the ‘make up’ you should ever need! And at that point your love for each other should make you both seem “hot” to one another instead.

. Misandry Vs Misogyny . Misandry, is my mum …being forever wary of men as she tries to move on and while looking after a traumatised child. . While Misogyny is what caused my mum to have horrible things happen to her …in front of her child. . . The “Patriarchy” is simply trying to keep men and woman in love . Men in love with violence And Women in love with violent men . From films of mighty costumed heroes beating down a ‘bad guy’ made for kids To “heroic imagery” on a romantic book cover aimed at lonely women Because war and reconstruction make money Peace does not The “Patriarchy” is designed to control the whole human race The “Patriarchy” is a business model . “Dance little puppets!” “Dance!” “Fight for me” “Hate for me” “Kill for me” “Die for me” “Make me powerful” “Make me rich” .

. I can make some truly amazing dishes I can make stuff that could make some restaurants weep. From the most basic of ingredients. . BUT Despite my ability to easily do THAT Sometimes All I want It a large bowl of cheap white spaghetti Covered on loads of melted salted butter. . No skill No knowledge needed (but Never the ‘easy cook’ crap – there are still some standards) . . If there is one thing I learned from having a sexless marriage... (But you love her too much to ever be unfaithful) - When you can’t get a romantic hug in real life You can always get a “hug n’ a bowl”! . .

Like a car in a parking space. Each and Every day I feel I need to "validate my parking" in this life. If I can "validate my parking " by helping someone, anyone, in some smallest of ways... ... Then I don't feel a need to "vacate this parking spot" that night when I look at the ceiling and feel despair. Because I made some tiny difference that "validated my parking space." For that single day, Only. ...- for just One More Day... .

! Men as protectors? Who men protecting woman from? Exactly? Because IF your Only answer is ‘other men’ ! And IF you cannot see how batshit insane that problem is... How deeply flawed that logic is? How crazy that sounds? ? ...THEN I am Not smart enough to explain it to you. ! . A Man and a Woman hug each other lovingly. . Her: “I feel so safe in your arms” . Him “You should not need my arms to feel safe” “You whole world should feel safe anyway” . Her: <pushing away and punching his arm playfully> “Shut up!” “I’m trying to be nice here” . <There is a pause as she returns to hugging him.> . Her: “Well then” She whispers… “How do you feel in my arms?” . Him: “Like a real person” “Validated” “Whole again” “You Feel like home” “A Home I never knew I was homesick for” . Her: “You should not need my arms to feel that way” “You should feel real, valid and human anyway” . <They hug each other tighter> . Him: <silently thinking> ‘ i wish i could believe that ’ . . She h...

. “Holding out for a hero” by Bonnie Tyler Changed to “I need a Yenta” By Ross E F Lombardi as a spoof. (I’d love some singer out there to do this spoof version) . [Intro] Do-do, do-do Do-do, do-do Do-do, do-do Ah, ah . [Verse 1] Where have all the good Yenta’s gone and where are all the hope? Where's the streetwise Matchmakers to fight the risin' odds? Isn't there a love queen upon a fiery steed? Late at night, I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need . [Chorus] I need a Yenta I'm holding out for a Yenta to make things right She's gotta be smart and she's gotta be wise Because dating apps are Shite I need a Yenta (yenta) I'm holding out for a Yenta to make things right (yenta to make things right) She's gotta be sure and it's gotta be soon And she's gotta be larger than life, larger than life . [Post-Chorus] Do-do, do-do Do-do, do-do Do-do, do-do Ah, ah . [Verse 2] Somewhere after midnight in my wildest fantasy Somewhere just beyond my reach...

 . 14th of Febuary Ahhh! Valentines Day . That holiday, that like Christmas, We celebrate . We celebrate lonlyness We celebrate tears We harvest the sadness of others And try and make a few quid off of it. . Well remember This "love birds" Even IF you fulfill the fantasy of a long and happy life in love One of you will die before the other Leaving one of you devastated! The longer the "happy marriage" ? - The happier you both are? - the worse the pain will be for the one left. . At least us cast-offs will never hurt anyone we love like That! How's That for a touch of comforting shadinfraude for the undateble ones! Most of us will never have to face That level of pain. So, "Ha!" "In your face - happy couples"! ! <mic drop> !

. #Art #Artist #Redcar . "Unshared Memories." Art By Ross E F Lombardi . "Sure Redcar beach IS beautiful.. " "But.. "... does it even matter?" "When any of these little memories can not be shared with anyone?" "What is the value of an unshared memory?!!" . 3x A3 canvas . Canvas 1 A Lonely Redcar Man in the daylight . Canvas 2 A Redcar Sunset . Canvas 3 A Lonely Redcar Woman on a clear moon filled night . Some background: Whether real or just in my head. I feel passively rejected by the wider art community. And while it might just be my own paranoid imagination. The last two art things I went to, I felt unwelcome. As if no one wanted to be tainted by my "looser stank" So I'm pouring all that feeling of rejection, all that pain, all that feeling of isolation, all that suffering and that being made to feel like worthless shit, INTO THESE Paintings. . . PS . I will Never bend a knee to anyone just to have "success...