. I'm supposed to pick up my art from the 2b artspace, Hill Street Centre, Middlesbrough... ...and "I don't wannah..." Like a child not wanting to go to school... ...or a teacher not wanting to slog out to school.... ...or a headmaster who also hates his school... "I don't wannah go to 2b!" My stuff was selling for only £10 each and nothing sold. I'm kinda half hoping they'd throw it all in the bin as no one values them. But 'no' apparently I have to go in myself and hang around, "yuck" , other humans on public transport and stuff. And me and other humans don't mix well. Other humans are icky. . Some people have worked SO dam hard to push me out of the local public arts scene (cough, tees-cough, cough-valley, cough-arts-cough, cough,) And it seems that anyone putting THAT much effort in, using a mix of rumours, undue influence, and outright disenfranchisement SHOULD have THAT much effort fairly rewarded! . To be fair... I h...

. Here is a true story. Please set aside any gender bias or gender war nonsense temporarily aside, just for a short while. I'll try to tell is using gender neutral pronouns to help you out . THIS Is where the worst moment of my life happened. . THIS. Is where everything changed. . Despite violence and other horrendous things, THIS is where I received the most damage, the most pain. . THIS is where I was nearly totally destroyed and forever defeated. . It's a corner just outside Locke Park. Opposite a corner garage, in a town called Redcar. . THIS is where IT happened one summer. . Where my partner of 30 years of memories and two children casually said mid-conversation. . "Yeh know," "We don't need to love each other," "We can stay together for the companionship," . I didn't react at the time. I just acted on automatic and got through the day in a numb, unreal state . The pain came wave after wave later. It physically hurt. It hurt far more...

. My nightmares. . - I have been the mother being assaulted in front of her child. . - The child discovered, hiding terrified in the closet. . - The attacker, with a gun, is placed in my mouth, and the trigger is pulled . I've been shot, stabbed, sliced, hit the ground from a great height. . I've been in loads of heads, both innocent and evil as they die. . I know for a fact that you can die in your dreams and not die in real life! I've died a hundred different ways in thousands of dreams. . I vividly felt terror, pain, and tasted blood. And then have to negotiate the first two hours that morning, remembering that they are 'only dreams'. . I tried being religious. To pray whatever the hell this crap is away. And in similar dreams, more than once, god said "no". So after decades of this, how am I supposed to somehow not hate god's sadistic arse! . They started before puberty. Way back then, I fancied becoming a Catholic priest. I did nothing to deserv...

. If my ex-wife were on fire... . ...Why is this somehow my problem? . She wanted a world without me in it, so she gets a world without me in it. . I refuse to ever harm her - But I also refuse to ever help her. . I do nothing. Not my problem. . The same applies if anyone tries to kidnap her Or if she is suffering from a heart attack . As far as I am concerned. I no longer exist for her. In any capacity, good or bad. . And before you judge... ... actually, I don't give a flying dam; judge away if you want. I don't care. She caused me far too much pain. My stance won't change. .

. I wanted to reveal one of the most common reasons for my most dangerous depressions. . I dislike the far right. I support refugees and gay rights etc. . I'm committed to defending the persecuted worldwide, at any and all cost. . Most people know this about me already. . But this is the new bit. Because I am handicapped with a huge, weirdly put-together brain. . I can see the patterns. I can see all the most likely outcomes. The huge amounts of money involved. The power and influence behind it all. And The KEY part! The inevitable upcoming environmental collapse that is the real unacknowledged cause behind it all. . And despite my passion and commitment towards all that I see as good, I am almost certain of one thing. . We. The left. The empathetic. The caring. The merciful. We Are Going To Lose. . I don't realistically see how we can possibly win. . When the crops fail on mass. When the food stops. I can see current members of the left, good people, almost instantly switch si...

. I feel odd and 'out of place' at things. . It's no one's fault . It's not just there and them. I don't really belong anywhere. I never have. . I need to start accepting that. . I've tried for over 50 years It hurts to give up. But I'm allowed to stop trying to belong now. . It's clearly never going to happen. . Feeling forever homesick but never finding a home, is just who I am. .

. People keep thinking that they themselves consider all human life as sacred - when they actually do not. . They have not had a proper look at how their own pension pot investments grow! They could look, but they won't. That knowledge is a bit too inconvenient for them. They think that just because they can't smell the death and blood or hear the tears of those investments, they are somehow not still responsible for all that human suffering! . They don't really think human life is sacred. They never did. . Sure, they will scream "Stop the war" "Stop this or that genocide" "Feed the hungry" "Clean the ocean" "Heal the sick" They might even indulge in a bit of mild protesting. . But they won't sacrifice too much... Risk too much of their own future comfort. They will never openly admit it... ...But really - they don't mind a bit of injustice. . They just don't want to get their own precious hands dirty while they ...