I WAS going to start "project eclipse" in August.
Where I give up on everything and everyone and just spend the rest of my life, ignoring social issues, playing vid games and watching TV, waiting to die of old age.... Not aspiring to do anything or be anything.
Just another DWP mental health vegetable waiting to rot, unwashed in my grubby, tapped up, couch.
.
No more writing
.
No more art
.
BUT
There IS that "hail Mary pass" official tees valley poet thang...
A last Very unlikely throw of the dice...
...to be anything other than just another skutter podgy old bloke in a bedsit...
So,
I will fill out that application tomorrow afternoon.
Send it in.
And THEN WHEN I DO get rejected for THAT.
THEN I can do "project eclipse" and give up on everything and everyone.
.
THEN, after it is certain, for sure, that I am a true proper failure, I can isolate myself from the entire world, stop trying to go out and stop trying to have a life.
Quit
Grow old alone
Then eventually die.
... I am tired... Trying is hard... Caring is hard... Hoping is hard... and it hurts... I just want to give up on the world now... All the suffering I put myself through, by caring in the world, is not going to change anything, make any difference or help anyone... Why should I needlessly suffer when I can rest instead... and do things like watch all the Gilmore Girls plus the reboot instead... I can't single-handedly stop the far right, help gay equality or even save or help myself... I'm tired and want to stop forever and just play Fallout 4 for the rest of my days instead. I am fed up with pushing and working and researching so hard and THEN STILL feeling that I have not done enough, as if the last domestic abuse murder on the news was somehow my fault because I dared to get some sleep or was weak and had a coffee break. I don't want to carry this weight all the time. It is too heavy, and it is not fair to ask myself to, - So why shouldn't I commit to "Project Eclipse"??
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