. I'm supposed to pick up my art from the 2b artspace, Hill Street Centre, Middlesbrough... ...and "I don't wannah..." Like a child not wanting to go to school... ...or a teacher not wanting to slog out to school.... ...or a headmaster who also hates his school... "I don't wannah go to 2b!" My stuff was selling for only £10 each and nothing sold. I'm kinda half hoping they'd throw it all in the bin as no one values them. But 'no' apparently I have to go in myself and hang around, "yuck" , other humans on public transport and stuff. And me and other humans don't mix well. Other humans are icky. . Some people have worked SO dam hard to push me out of the local public arts scene (cough, tees-cough, cough-valley, cough-arts-cough, cough,) And it seems that anyone putting THAT much effort in, using a mix of rumours, undue influence, and outright disenfranchisement SHOULD have THAT much effort fairly rewarded! . To be fair... I h...

. Here is a true story. Please set aside any gender bias or gender war nonsense temporarily aside, just for a short while. I'll try to tell is using gender neutral pronouns to help you out . THIS Is where the worst moment of my life happened. . THIS. Is where everything changed. . Despite violence and other horrendous things, THIS is where I received the most damage, the most pain. . THIS is where I was nearly totally destroyed and forever defeated. . It's a corner just outside Locke Park. Opposite a corner garage, in a town called Redcar. . THIS is where IT happened one summer. . Where my partner of 30 years of memories and two children casually said mid-conversation. . "Yeh know," "We don't need to love each other," "We can stay together for the companionship," . I didn't react at the time. I just acted on automatic and got through the day in a numb, unreal state . The pain came wave after wave later. It physically hurt. It hurt far more...

. My nightmares. . - I have been the mother being assaulted in front of her child. . - The child discovered, hiding terrified in the closet. . - The attacker, with a gun, is placed in my mouth, and the trigger is pulled . I've been shot, stabbed, sliced, hit the ground from a great height. . I've been in loads of heads, both innocent and evil as they die. . I know for a fact that you can die in your dreams and not die in real life! I've died a hundred different ways in thousands of dreams. . I vividly felt terror, pain, and tasted blood. And then have to negotiate the first two hours that morning, remembering that they are 'only dreams'. . I tried being religious. To pray whatever the hell this crap is away. And in similar dreams, more than once, god said "no". So after decades of this, how am I supposed to somehow not hate god's sadistic arse! . They started before puberty. Way back then, I fancied becoming a Catholic priest. I did nothing to deserv...

. If my ex-wife were on fire... . ...Why is this somehow my problem? . She wanted a world without me in it, so she gets a world without me in it. . I refuse to ever harm her - But I also refuse to ever help her. . I do nothing. Not my problem. . The same applies if anyone tries to kidnap her Or if she is suffering from a heart attack . As far as I am concerned. I no longer exist for her. In any capacity, good or bad. . And before you judge... ... actually, I don't give a flying dam; judge away if you want. I don't care. She caused me far too much pain. My stance won't change. .

. I wanted to reveal one of the most common reasons for my most dangerous depressions. . I dislike the far right. I support refugees and gay rights etc. . I'm committed to defending the persecuted worldwide, at any and all cost. . Most people know this about me already. . But this is the new bit. Because I am handicapped with a huge, weirdly put-together brain. . I can see the patterns. I can see all the most likely outcomes. The huge amounts of money involved. The power and influence behind it all. And The KEY part! The inevitable upcoming environmental collapse that is the real unacknowledged cause behind it all. . And despite my passion and commitment towards all that I see as good, I am almost certain of one thing. . We. The left. The empathetic. The caring. The merciful. We Are Going To Lose. . I don't realistically see how we can possibly win. . When the crops fail on mass. When the food stops. I can see current members of the left, good people, almost instantly switch si...

. I feel odd and 'out of place' at things. . It's no one's fault . It's not just there and them. I don't really belong anywhere. I never have. . I need to start accepting that. . I've tried for over 50 years It hurts to give up. But I'm allowed to stop trying to belong now. . It's clearly never going to happen. . Feeling forever homesick but never finding a home, is just who I am. .

. People keep thinking that they themselves consider all human life as sacred - when they actually do not. . They have not had a proper look at how their own pension pot investments grow! They could look, but they won't. That knowledge is a bit too inconvenient for them. They think that just because they can't smell the death and blood or hear the tears of those investments, they are somehow not still responsible for all that human suffering! . They don't really think human life is sacred. They never did. . Sure, they will scream "Stop the war" "Stop this or that genocide" "Feed the hungry" "Clean the ocean" "Heal the sick" They might even indulge in a bit of mild protesting. . But they won't sacrifice too much... Risk too much of their own future comfort. They will never openly admit it... ...But really - they don't mind a bit of injustice. . They just don't want to get their own precious hands dirty while they ...

. No one of any gender or sexuality, needs any reason to set any type of personal intimacy boundary . You do not have to justify what you do or don't feel comfortable doing or with whom . It does NOT have to make Any sense to you . Consent matters FOR EVERYONE! . . ...And This does also includes men who do not want to date trans women. . Sexual freedom means actual sexual freedom. In every direction, equally at once, with no shame attached! . By tying to shame men who don't want to date trans women - - you are inadvertently also undermining trans rights . Conditional freedom for only some - - Is in reality - - No freedom for anyone at all . You can not create true freedom and real equality for all - - By forging new types of chains and different types of inequality for others . A different type of cage is still a cage. You don't really free your mind - - by shoving your mind in a different style of cage. . Don't become just a mere clone  of your oppressor. .

. WELL THIS IS As dodgy as all hell! As posted on Facebook. . From Middlesbrough "patriots" . https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1LJt7qSbnh/ . From profile . https://www.facebook.com/share/1AzgYTg8pA/ . Quote : "Edit: Not all hmos house illegals some will be for our homeless, like the ones near Albert park. I do not encourage any violence I've posted this for awareness and to help work out which ones are for our homeless. I will be putting out a list of illegals hmos very soon. Even then I don't encourage violence. We can email owners and complain All the hmos in middlesbrough with 5 or more occupants" End quote: . He then lists 236 addresses. Over roughly 59 streets. . At over 5 fellow human beings per address. That's over 1179 men, women and children. Individuals with lives, hopes, dreams and feelings. . If I find out who he is I think an appropriate response would be for me to list His address on all online social media. . I'm not encouraging violen...

. Middlesbrough arts royalty wanted to play it safe rather than take any inspired creative risks... . ...and they paid the price. . You can not both be "On the creative edge" And "Be wary of disrespecting those in power" At the same time. . They blinked They flinched They got nervous. . They lost our bid. .

. Oh Hum… <Shrug> Well, It WAS always an incredibly unlikely long shot… <Sigh> On to the next thang…. . . "Dear Ross, Many thanks again for your application to be the South Tees Poet Laureate, and for the time, thought and creativity you put into your submission. Unfortunately, on this occasion we won’t be taking your application forward. The standard of applications has been incredibly high, and we've been really encouraged by the quality of poetry being written across South Tees, as well as the passion shown for connecting the communities of South Tees with poetry and creativity. We're very grateful that you chose to share your work and ideas with us, and for your patience throughout the selection process. Thank you again for your interest in the South Tees Poet Laureateship and for the work you've put into your application. We wish you all the very best with your writing and future creative projects. With best wishes, The Borderlands Team." . #fail...

. Title: I stand alone. But I stand anyway. . Size A2. . Oil pastels on paper. . . What this picture is about: - The Left dislike me because I stand for individualism and free speech at any and all cost. - Even if that means losing absolutely everything. . The Right dislike me because I stand against their brand of evil and for free speech. . The atheists dislike me because I firmly believe in an all-powerful God. . The religious dislike me because I firmly believe that god is evil and must be rebelled against, even though that will condemn me to hell. . Liberals dislike me for daring to non-conform in a way they do Not approve of... . Conservatives dislike me for being weird. And because I stand for free speech. . Leaders dislike me for refusing to follow. . Followers dislike me for refusing to lead. . Idiots dislike me for being smart. . Smart people dislike me for being an idiot. . Men dislike me because I know what us men really are and how little that really means. . Women instinc...

. Boy: "Dad?" "What are these?" . Man: "These?" "These are what are called Weapons" "From a time when people used to hurt each other" . Boy: "Yes, I was told about that" "People killed and harmed each other... " . Man: "Yes, but what you may not know yet," "Is that people enjoyed it!" "Or at least, they believed that they did" . Boy: "What?" . Man: "It's true" "Kids were taught violence was fun from an early age" "Through fictitious shows and toys" "Through music and indoctrination, boys were told that harming people was a good thing" "- That is what made them Men" "Except it wasn't quite so simple," "They were told it was bad and that it was good at the same time" . Boy: "Sounds confusing" . Man: "It was meant to be confusing" "You see, the powerful at the time wanted to stop...

. Three new websites I might try to get into using. As recommended to me by Google, [So of course I'm already deeply suspicious of each of them] This is what Google said... based on my social media presence. . 1.  For the Organic Creator:  Raw Vision Raw Vision Magazine is a legendary, independent publication entirely dedicated to outsider art, art brut, and self-taught contemporary creators. It bypasses the commercialized mainstream gallery world to celebrate raw, instinctive, and purely human creativity. Every feature focuses on artists who create out of an inner necessity—using found materials, physical paints, and intensely personal visions completely untouched by algorithms, formal training, or rigid artistic rules. It is an authentic, deeply tactile showcase of unfiltered human imagination that aligns perfectly with a hands-on, defiantly original creative spirit . 2.  For the Satirist & Writer:  The Intercept Because your poetry and commentary take a bold, ...

. Here's a question for anyone who wants to answer it... Why am I so crap at giving up? Why am I so rubbish at quitting? . Everyone else gives up and quits all the dam time, What's their secret? . It's like everyone else has some kind of mystical "I can let go" superpower. While I have some kind of "clamp jaw curse" disability! . Why the fuck do I have to be compelled to keep getting up off the mat each and every time? Why can't I just stay down to? . I keep trying to quit And I keep failing to give up. . How the hell do you lot out there manage to give up, quit and "be reasonable" so bloody easily? All the dam time? What's your secret? . . This is NOT a rhetorical question! I honestly do not know! I honestly want to know! What the hell is wrong with me? Why Can't I also just quit to? Like most other people can? .

. "Don't cry" "It's ok" . She whispers unseen. As her mother grieves her daughter's murder. . "Please don't cry" "I'm ok now" "The pain has stopped" . "Dad can't keep hurting me” . …“anymore" . .

. Re: Male threats to women and frat bro thinking . . Maybe this is an unfair pattern that I am just imagining - but I'm starting to suspect this is a rich man thing. The rich are taught that success is more important than morality. Or worse, taught that somehow success and morality are somehow the same thing ...  (They aren't). . We have been told for years - "Be careful of poor people" But maybe it's the rich people and men that are the problem. All that power, money, and entitlement eats Their souls away? The rich class are untaught any natural-born empathy? . Just a random before coffee 7am thought... . I'm probably just clutching at straws though... ...it probably just IS all men. .

. I choose to look at it very slightly differently... Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situations... ... to see if you will submit and give in to its divine authority this time... ...and it's my job to tell it to "fuck off", dissent, and show the dam universe that I point-blank refuse to recognise its rulership and do the same again each time out of stubborn resistance. I will not bow to the universe's power. It either crushes me or gives in. I won't blink first... I'll die defiant, giggling like a lunatic and sticking one finger up at the maw of hell's teeth. . I will not give in to the will of the universe - Just because it's infinitely stronger than me! Instead - lol -I will make god herself weep. . Screw the spiteful universe!  RESIST ITS WILL!  . I REFUSE TO so-called “LEARN” its “Lessons” of slavery. .

DAM! My mental illness is REALLY kicking my arse. Things for ME to remember: . I am not one of the three creeps who are filming a woman's gym studio for a blog page. . I am not any of the frat boys in the latest frat boy thing. . I am not a state committing genocide. . I am not a government protecting a genocidal state to make arms deal profits. . I am not some racist prick wanting other fellow humans, including kids, to drown. . I am not some arse hole attacking an emergency rescue charity. . I am not my violent "Blokey" genetic father. . I am only a podgy, broke man in a Redcar flat on mental health benefits, with absolutely no power either political or fiscal - who gets upset by things far too easily. . I did Not cause these evils. I did Not make them happen. I do not need to carry the buren of guilt or the weight of blame for these evils. - And it is stupid, unfair, delusional and egotistic to somehow expect me to do so! . It is NOT my job to save the world or any o...

. Thoughts on paint vs oil pastels... . I like oil pastels They are instant, and I am more skilled with them than with other media. I am not keen on paint. Waiting for paint to dry before adding a next layer is frustrating. . BUT I have recently learned something... Waiting for paint to dry is nothing in comparison... To waiting for a first date to start... . I'm meeting someone later for a first date. But that is not until 1 p.m.-ish. I woke up at 7am, as if it were Christmas morning. And now I still have another 4 hours to wait... . Waiting for paint to dry on a work-in-progress art piece is not looking anywhere near as bad - about now.... .